As a Baker University student, here’s how your semester has probably been spent thus far: In January, you took a really easy and pointless interterm class (Koala-baiting, Knitting, Omelets for Beginners, etc.), so you spent the time either asleep or drunk. In February you were hung over, and it was really cold outside, so there is no way in hell you made it to classes. March was spent either dreaming of spring break, on spring break or crying because spring break was over. Now, in April, every project, paper and presentation you have during the semester is suddenly due, and you haven’t done a damn thing. Don’t worry, I’ve got some helpful tips to help you outfox your schoolwork and survive the semester.

Ok, first you’ve got to triage your schedule. Drop all the classes you don’t absolutely need to take right now. Don’t worry, of course Baker will offer them again. Now, let’s move on to getting through the classes you’re not dropping.

Tests are probably piling up in all your classes, but there are a few easy steps to help you through your exams during this part of the year.

First, don’t study for them: you just don’t have that kind of time.

Second, it is important to make an effort so your professor knows you are trying. Go in and talk to the professor about the test. Be sure to mention that you like the class – but you think you could teach it better – and that you want to do well on the exam – but you’re not going to study. That way, when the professor grades your exam, you will be remembered as a bold, independent thinker.

Finally, stay up late the night before the test, preferably drinking. This may sound crazy, but trust me – sleep only gives you a false sense of security. Avoid it like the plague for the rest of the semester.

Besides just tests and homework, attendance gets to be a problem around this time of the year as well.

Yeah, never mind that. Skip class. Between now and finals, skip as much as you possibly can. This has several benefits.

First, all of your professors will automatically assume you skipped so you could spend more time diligently working on your big paper/project/whatever and will applaud your initiative.

Second, if the class you are skipping has an attendance policy stating too many absences make you lose points, then skipping class will force you to worker harder on assignments to eek out a good grade. This is great motivation. Most importantly, if you skip class, you might just get lucky and miss hearing about an important upcoming due date or test, which will keep your stress level down. Ignorance is bliss.

Ok, now you know how to handle your classes, but what you do with your free time affects your academic performance as well.

If you are going to survive April, you need a fun, relaxing and stress-free hobby.

I’ve got just the thing. Take a graduate school exam, like the LSAT, MCAT or GRE. In fact, I recommend it as a hobby even if you’re not planning on going to grad school. If you do plan on going to grad school, be sure to take the test at the last possible minute. That way if you do badly – which you will – you’ll have found an easy way to whittle down your options for after college. If you decide to study before you take the test, I would recommend going to Borders, buying the most expensive study book that they have and then rarely opening it. Also, be sure to tell your parents that you’ve decided to take one of these exams so they can bring up a story about how somebody else’s kid scored in the 99th percentile and got a free ride to Yale University. In fact, I’d suggest telling everyone you know. More than likely, people will laugh behind your back and say you don’t have a chance – i.e. good motivation.

All right, if you follow these suggestions, you might just survive the last month of class.

After that, you can begin procrastinating again until November.

Have fun.