A lot of Americans are unhappy with the current state of the country. President George W. Bush is not the most popular guy around right now, considering that the war in Iraq looks like a western movie and the War on Terror hasn’t really made anybody at home feel safer. Be that as it may, some people have had the crazy notion that Democrats might actually take back the Senate and the House of Representatives in this year’s midterm elections. Well, I don’t think that’s going to happen. If the GOP wants to hold on to Congress there’s only a few simple steps they have to take in order to insure success.

Now, since I’m not always sure the leaders of my party even know how to spell their own names, I’m going to clearly lay out my easy, three-step plan for beating the Democrats in November.

Step One: Now I know this is going to result in a lot of wailing and sleepless nights for some candidates, but Congressional Republicans have got to distance themselves from Bush. His policies are unpopular and Stalin would probably poll better. If Republicans equate themselves with Bush they are also equating themselves with the hellish failure in Iraq and an unpopular domestic agenda. The smarter Republicans are already running away from some of Bush’s lamer initiatives. Last week Senate Republicans announced they would not attempt to push through the Bush-backed immigration plan that called for extending amnesty to illegal immigrants. It’s a good start, but it’s more important to get away from Bush’s foreign policies than his domestic ones. Republicans need to appear unhappy with Bush, because, quite frankly, the American people are unhappy with Bush.

Step Two: Republicans need to run toward the middle of the road. The Democrats are backing more and more moderate candidates in an attempt to glean votes off of the GOP’s flank. So, Republican candidates might want to avoid quoting Isaiah and yelling at French fries for being un-American. Fire-breathing reactionaries will not get elected. It’s much better if the Republicans work on being centrists. Look at Lincoln Chaffee, an extremely moderate senator from Rhode Island who was the only republican to vote against the 2002 Iraq War Resolution and didn’t even vote to re-elect President Bush. The GOP and the White House supported the maverick senator in his primary because it is widely believed a more conservative contender wouldn’t be able to beat a Democrat in November. Another example is my good friend Arnold Schwarzenegger, the governor of the godless state of California. A year ago his conservative policies had him in the doghouse. Now, after appointing more liberal advisors and embracing popular state legislation he is easily leading his opponents in the polls. Moderation in all things should be the slogan of Republicans in this election.

Step Three: This is what GOP does best: paint the Democrats as hair-brained, divided and visionless. Republicans should point out that the Democrats have yet to create their own plan for Iraq, despite all their bitching. Oh yeah, don’t forget to remind the constituents that Democrats are all atheists who support gay marriage, abortion and tons of other nonsense issues. Point out that Democrats look at themselves as the alternative, but they have yet to say what their plans are or how they’ll do things better than the conservatives.

So there you have it Republicans: don’t appear in any pictures with President Bush, run towards the center on the issues and bash the Democratic Party as much as possible.

Mmm, that smells like a victory for the Right.