Disclaimer: Only 90 percent of the following is fabricated.

I was stumbling around Collins Center last week, desperately searching for an exclusive interview, when I saw Kathy Allen rather inexplicably wander into the men’s basketball locker room.  

Curious, I secretly followed her inside and watched as she opened Justin Houser’s locker, pulled out a Jason Bourne-looking device from her sweats and proceeded to open the floorboards and descend into the depths of the gymnasium.

With the trap door still open, I swiftly moved into the locker and plummeted onto what appeared to be the set of “American Gladiators.”

When I stepped out from the locker-elevator, I was overwhelmed by athleticism.

Alarmed by an intruder’s presence, Kevin Kunde – the receptionist – asked me for a password before I could enter the facility. I guessed “Wildcats.”

Bingo.

(I guess that’s why he’s in charge of the athletic department and not the marketing department.) 

After moving past reception I saw several familiar faces, although most were completely out of context.

Hanging from the rafters were three championship banners that read “Team B.A.D.,” which, of course, stands for “Team Baker Athletic Department.” 

After applying my extensive knowledge of acronyms, I figured out where I was:

The Faculty Dodgeball Team’s Underground Training Facility (Or for those of you like me, the F.D.T.U.T.F.).

Against one wall was a series of targets with students’ faces printed on them.

“Nasty” Nate Houser (as he is listed on Team B.A.D.’s roster) was flinging medicine balls with both arms at one of his soccer players while Theresa “Yettie” Yetmar hurled dodgeballs at the mug of a particularly rowdy football fan.

In the corner, “Disco” Dan Harris hung upside down from a trapeze swing working on his underhand toss (for a big guy, he’s remarkably agile).

Shell-shocked with intrigue, I approached “Killer” Kathy Allen and asked for an interview.  In a very Bill Belichick-way, she obliged.

Me: “Coach Allen, this is incredible. Why is your team preparing like this?”

Killer: “We’ve been practicing at 5 a.m. every day. We lift weights and do aerobic activities. I guarantee we win this year’s dodgeball tournament.”

With that, she strapped on her kneepads and retired to the obstacle course behind us.

As I left, I thought of all the guarantees made throughout sports history: Joey Porter, Matt Hasselbeck, and now, Kathy Allen.

The tournament is Wednesday. Watch out students.