No more public displays of affection

PDA. Public Displays of Affection. Also known as: get a room.

Valentine’s romance is still fresh in the air, but even after the fact, some couples still feel the need to demonstrate their French-kissing skills publicly. Or practice their R-rated groping and fondling techniques in the open. How sexy … or not.

Seriously, get a room. Find a bush. Hide under a table. Anything. As long as you’re out of the public eye.

I think the concept of love is beautiful and all, but there is nothing beautiful or sexy about standing in line behind two love birds reminding you how procreation starts.

We’ve all taken the sex-ed courses. We know how babies are made.

And don’t even get me started on parties and dance floors. I would love for someone to take a black light and scan dance floors and see how many bodily fluids lay there from public displays of affection.

I mean, really? We cringe at the thought of our parents doing it, but your peers also cringe at the sight of you almost doing it. What’s the difference? Knock it off.

You dog-owners punish and scold your dogs for practicing their mating techniques with other dogs in front of company. How is this any different?

So you’re in love, I get it. Anything else you want to prove while you two are tonguing each other down? While you’re at it, find out what they had for dinner last night. I’m just as curious as you are.

If you wouldn’t kiss like that in front of your mother, what makes it any better to do it in front of your peers?

I’ve been to a few hotels in my lifetime, from basketball tournaments and whatnot, and one thing I’ve always kept were my hotel keys as souvenirs, but I didn’t think they’d actually come in handy until now.

The next time I see inappropriate PDA, especially in broad daylight, I will give them one of my hotel keys as a way of signifying to get a room. And if they are too occupied to notice, I will shove it down one of their throats in the space that the partner’s tongue hasn’t already taken up.