After the shootings at Virginia Tech, the recent death of Russia’s first president Boris Yeltsin and the U.S. House of Representative’s vote to fund the Iraq War on the condition of a timetable that includes a date for pulling out, I feared our news media were losing sight of an equally tragic and relevant news story: Alec Baldwin’s voicemail to his 11-year-old daughter.
Obtained by the hardworking folks over at TMZ.com, who have also brought us the must-see photo gallery of “Celeb Packages”- yes, penises – and all the latest details of Anna Nicole’s death, the voicemail revealed Baldwin calling his daughter a “thoughtless little pig.”
I was appalled. My moral compass had been set spinning once again. Where am I to turn when Alec, a man whose trusty one-liners have guided me through so much, fails me? I can’t even focus on VH1’s “Charm School” anymore.
I thought for sure I had found my man this time. In our culture with so few role models, it’s been difficult to find the right person to follow. I’ve tried to follow in the footsteps of other celebrities before. First, there was Russell Crowe, whose real-life portrayal of Maximus made a follower out of me. Then, Mel Gibson’s repeated role as bravehearted patriot convinced me he was my man. Danny Bonaduce’s hunger for life was a temporary inspiration, as was Steven Seagal’s hunger for… everything.
But now, once again, I feel stranded with no one to trust.
Fortunately, Alec’s younger brother has at least partially reinforced my faith. In an interview with “Extra,” Billy came to his brother’s defense. Able to take a break from his Oscar-worthy projects “Dirty Sexy Money” and “Sakura: Blue-Eyed Samurai,” Baldwin said his brother is a great, loving father. Heather Mills and Rosie O’Donnell have come out in support of Alec, which gives me heart.
Despite the crisis of faith it’s given me, I do want to thank Mark McGrath and Co. for their coverage of this story. If I weren’t keenly aware of Alec’s personal life, I couldn’t intelligently decide what to do. And I might be able to take something from this tragedy. Even the most honorable and respectable men can trip off the path of righteousness. The next time I mess up, the knowledge that even Alec makes mistakes will lift me back on my feet.
Even though McGrath and “Extra” get some heckling from the “journalistic” community, these ace Hollywood reporters serve just as important a function as any political correspondent. Without these hardworking men and women, how could I decide which celebrity to choose as an idol? Airing everyone’s dirty laundry lets me pick the best-smelling pile to worship. And I’m all too happy to sleep next to Alec’s dried sweat stains.
Today on “The View,” Alec will be explaining his actions in what I’ve heard described as an honest, tear-choked tale. I’ll be skipping class to see it for myself, to make sure I won’t get hurt again. I want to know that Alec’s sorry for what he’s done to me and what he’s done to America. I mean, there’s a limit to my generosity. My idol can only screw up so many times before I’ve got to cut him loose. And from what I’ve seen, his brother Stephen’s on the straight-and-narrow. I wonder how his laundry smells.