04/25/08

So there I was, thinking about what to write this week when it hit me. When the zombie apocalypse comes, how many of the Orange’s readers will be able to survive? On that note, how many of the readers know enough about the forces of darkness to fight back if they are ever attacked by said being?

So, ladies and gents, that’s this week’s topic: how to fight the forces of evil.

In my opinion, the most common type of dark being would be the aforementioned zombie. In my readings, zombies just want to destroy humans. As such, there are basically two ways to destroy a zombie (I would use the word “kill,” but zombies are already dead.)

The first is to basically cause enough trauma to the body that in can no longer function. This can be done in a number of ways including crushing, burning but the simplest is to destroy the zombie’s brain, which causes the body to effectively shut down.

The other way to destroy a zombie is to infect it with salt. Be warned that this only works if a witchdoctor created the zombie. A witchdoctor zombie is inextricably tied to the earth and the salt will cause this bond to become overwhelming, and the zombie will cease to function. To be safe, though, if you see a zombie, make sure to destroy its brain; it’s the easiest way to end the zombie’s unlife.

A second creature I feel readers should be warned about are vampires. Now, these beings are really tricky because contrary to popular opinion, a vampire doesn’t walk around in a cape and have a really pale face. While most can only come out at night, for sunlight is incredibly deadly to these beings, they can blend in quite well with the general populace.

You could stab it with a holy object (the common belief is that only crucifixes can damage a vamp, but it’s really a matter of faith, not religion that hurts them.) You could plant a stake of some sort in its heart, or you could simply lop off the vampire’s head.

You see, most creatures are vulnerable to decapitation, like humans, it usually results in death. However, if you do meet a bloodthirsty vampire in a dark place, I’d just run home (see why this works later on). I think a final being an average reader would encounter would be a werewolf.

The werewolf is probably the strongest of all the creatures mentioned in this column, and they aren’t inherently evil (technically vampires aren’t either, but I’m a little prejudiced against bloodsucking immortals.) However, they are very aggressive and territorial. Most people who are turned are caring enough to seclude themselves when the moon comes up, but those who aren’t so nice are the worrisome ones.

If you ever find yourself facing an angry werewolf, and you are courageous or stupid enough to fight, then you should, again, try to decapitate it or simply riddle its body with silver.

Silver is a powerful metal that does extraordinary damage to werewolves (and is actually pretty effective against vampires also). Enough silver in a werewolf’s body is completely deadly. Always.

Even though knowledge is a very powerful weapon, most readers probably aren’t fit enough to take on an evil being and survive. This being the case, most people would be well off to simply hide in their homes. You see, a home serves as the best threshold against these creatures.

The threshold’s power can only be breached if someone invites the being in. If the being isn’t invited in, it can only struggle against the power. If it forces its way in, then its power will be significantly depleted and the being will be much easier to destroy.

Unfortunately, for us college students, apartments, residence halls and other typical college living areas don’t have much of a threshold due to the lack of consistent occupancy, i.e., a threshold only gets stronger by having the same people live there, year after year.

Never fear though, the odds of you getting attacked by one of these beings are very minimal, but now you know what to do if you are. Have a nice day.