Earlier this week I had decided to do an advice column for freshmen because, you know, they are dumb. When you are a freshman you don’t realize this of course and you walk around thinking “Why does everybody hate me?” Then you grow up and realize it was because you were dumb. However, while doing some research on dumb people in general, I came across something more pressing. Browsing the Web site of Rasmussen Reports (a public opinion polling firm) my eyes were caught by the headline “75% in Arkansas, Alabama, believe Bible literally true.” I was shocked. Immediately I wondered, “How could the other 25% of respondents in those states be so dumb?”
This poll was proof to me that the people in Alabama and Arkansas are some of the best and most patriotic citizens America has. I have had my doubts about the patriotism of Arkansas ever since their lackluster support of President Bush in 2004. Only giving him 54% of the vote? Come on people! Voters in my home state of Oklahoma proved how American they were by handing the president 65% of their votes and my adopted state of Kansas was able to deliver 62% (despite all of the pinkos in Douglas and Wyandotte counties). Alabama we knew was all right because it broke the 60% mark (62%, if you want to be exact, and it is important to be exact in matters such as this).
Back to the numbers at hand. Coming right behind our winners in Alabama and Arkansas were the citizens of West Virginia (70% of respondents believe the Bible is literally true) and Tennessee (only 68% there). I have never understood the stereotypes of ignorance and backwardness that plague all four of these outstanding states, and after seeing the results of this poll, I am even more confused. Surely no such stereotype could knowingly be applied to a group of people with the intelligence and brainpower to ignore all of the so-called “evidence” put forward by geologists and historians, which claims that many of the statements in the Bible are not literally true. This mislabeling can only be the result of an attempted brainwashing of the American public by the liberal media.
And, speaking of godless, communist, peacenik, pot-smoking, long-haired, , gay-loving, desegregationist, college educated liberals – aren’t you wondering how those surveyed in states like Massachusetts (only 36% for Bush in 2004) and Vermont (a little better at 38%) responded? Well, it turns out they really are godless! Only 22% responded that they believe the Bible is literally true. And, disappointingly, in a nationwide poll only 54% of Americans believe that the Bible is literally true. Do you know what this means? Aside from the fact that 3% of the people who voted for John Kerry obviously did so on accident, it means that 46% of Americans are un-American, unpatriotic, and, quite frankly, they are going to go to hell.
Another not so surprising fact, in all six of the states mentioned above, Republicans were more likely than Democrats to believe that the Bible is literally true – proving what we’ve all suspected all along; Republicans are the only real Americans and the only true Christians. Also verified by this poll was the old proverb “You’ve got to get ’em while their young.” In Arkansas, 81% of respondents aged 18-29 believe the Bible is literally true.
Unfortunately for us, I am not what Rasmussen Reports calls a “Premium Member” (possibly because I called their 1-800 number to complain about them not doing a “Who was the greater American – Strom Thurmond, George Wallace, or Harry F. Byrd, Sr.?” poll) and I therefore cannot get the results of their poll for Kansas. But I think its safe to say, with columnists like me, we’re headed in the right direction.